Thanks for the critiques from before. I appreciate them. I swear it isn't as cliche as it sounds.
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“What is taking them so long!?” Ella mumbled suddenly, taking Justin by surprise. He was about to answer her with a sarcastic remark until he heard more footsteps coming from outside.
“Someone else is coming.” He stated in a hushed voice, distracting Ela momentarily from her frustration.
Sure enough in came a two more people, a kid and a parent. This kid was tall and stocky with messed black hair and glasses on his nose. He wore loose jeans and a plain navy blue t-shirt with a computer bag over his arm. His father looked like an older version of him, also with a computer bag slung over his shoulder.
“One more.” The adult muttered, not meaning for anyone to hear it, but Ella did. She was about to ask the man what he meant until Justin interrupted with a loud holler. “Danny! It’s nice to see you man!” Justin called as soon as he saw this new kid. “Been awhile, for a second I thought you were dead.” Justin joked.
Danny snorted as he high-fived Justin. “You wish.” Was Danny’s sarcastic remark.
“Danny, I’ll only be a moment. It’s nice to see you again Justin.” Danny’s father said as he pushed his glasses up his nose and disappeared through the door. Ella watched him with eyes like a hawk, trying to see what was behind the door, but she glimpsed nothing.
“We’re waiting for one more.” Ella muttered. Danny looked at her curiously.
“What do you mean?” Ela turned to face the tech nerd. “I’m saying that your father said one more, obviously that means one more to come, because there are two more here.”
Danny just nodded, not quite believing what Ella was saying, but not wanting to get into an argument, in case he was wrong. “My name is Danny, obviously.” Danny introduced, sticking out his hand.
Ela took it with a smile. “Nice to meet you Danny, I’m Ella.”
“I apologize for whatever Justin did or said to you. I know my friend far to well.” Danny joked. Justin looked appalled at this statement, but Ella quickly rushed to his defense.
“I’ve been through worse.” She said as Justin gaped, Ella tried to conceal a smile.
“WORSE!” The two laughed at Justin’s offense.
“Well….” Justin started until two more people walked through the door.
This they were female, the older one, obviously the mother ,had model blond hair and a cheery complexion. Her daughter was the exact opposite. Her hair was black and long and her cloths matched her hair. She wore a black skirt with a studded belt along with a black turtleneck, a black choker and, to complete the outfit, she wore black boots.
“Every one this is Amy. Amy meet everyone while I go talk to a few people.” Amy's mother stated disappearing without another glance into the room. Ella didn’t mind the wait anymore with the people to pass the time. It was this Amy girl who seemed antisocial and intimidating.
A moment of awkward silence passed and soon Amy’s scowl turned into a bright cheery smile. “I didn’t expect so much people. Look at you all, you’re all so adorable!” She squealed, resting her eyes on Ella.
“What’s your name?” She asked, her voice bright and cheery.
“Ella.” Came Ella’s hesitant and confused response. Amy was by no means a stereotypical Goth.
“You look like an Artemis, or an Athena.” Amy then turned to Justin, who wore a confused and almost frightened face.
“You, are you Justin?” She asked, taking everyone by surprise.
“Yes I am.” Amy just smiled and turned to Danny without saying a word, just kept smiling.
Another awkward moment.
“I’m Danny.”
“I know.” Giggled Amy, the whole group was taken aback at Amy's personality. A moment later the mysterious door opened to reveal Ella's mom with a forced and empty smile. "Come in all of you." She said, the group walking through the door after her. The room held nothing but an empty desk and a bookshelf, which was also empty."What the.." Justin started until an elevator appeared from an evanescent crack between the wallpaper. "Come along then." She said to the surprised and eager teenagers.
"So what is this all about?" Danny asked once the elevator started to move down. "Well, you are all going to participate on a youth program here." she explained vaguely, which wasn't enough information for Danny. "Is this the F.B.?" He persisted.
"No." Was the simple reply from the older agent.
"The C.I.A?" Justin assumed.
"No." It was at this point a tension grew among the group, all unsure of where they were and what they were doing.
"Then what is this?" Ella asked her mother, her voice stern and demanding.
"We are merely called the Organization. We are what some people would call the 'Bad guys'. You will find out what we do soon enough. I am not at liberty to discuss this operation with you." As she explained this the doors to the elevator opened to reveal a huge room with numerous amounts of cubicles and labs. "It is too late to back out now. You four were chosen. Good luck." Those were her parting words as another agent came before them, his unfamiliar face was drawn in a stern and almost pained expression. He towered above the others in a monstrous bulk and height. "Come with me." he ordered, no one thought of talking back to him in fear of being crushed by him.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there! I read the first part and found it very interesting. Since no one has gotten to this part, I am going to give you a thorough review. Hopefully you will find it helpful. So let's get to it then.
I'm not sure mumbled would be the right verb. Mumbled denotes a low volume, and usually people are surprised by loud noises. You also have a tendency to be repetitive. People will think something and then repeat that thought later on in dialogue.
First of all, you want to start a new paragraph each time a new character says or does something. This way it is easier for us to understand who is talking. Also you gave one line of dialogue three different tags. Justin hollered, Justin called, Justin joked. Talk about redundant! Cut two of these tags out.
Again, you don't need more than one tag for a line of dialogue. We can see that Danny's remark is sarcastic without you telling us.
Sometimes less is more.
How do Justin and Danny know each other? It would be nice if you explained their relationship, perhaps by having Ella ask if they go to school together or something like that.
Okay, we don't need you to tell us they are female, since you say the older one was obviously the mother. What exactly does model blonde hair look like? And what is a cheery complexion? Perhaps you meant to say that the mother had a cheerful demeanor? Finally, you told us that the daughter's hair was black and that her clothes matched her hair. Therefore, you do not need to tell us exactly what she was wearing and that it is all black. Perhaps you could talk about the studded belt and the combat boots, just to get across the point that she is gothic, but these minor details are not that important.
WOW, talk about bi-polar! If you're going to describe a person as antisocial and intimidating, I wouldn't have her calling people adorable in the very next sentence. I know you want to break the mold of a stereotypical goth, but perhaps you could ease into this transition. Maybe have Amy roll her eyes and say something about how she thought her Mother would never leave. Maybe she acts gothic around her Barbie Mom to spite her, but she is really a Barbie herself? If this is the case, then we need to see this more blatantly displayed.
Instead of Giggled Amy, how about Amy giggled?
So we already know that they are going to participate in a program, that was what the first chapter was all about. Also, typically if someone is vague that means not much information is given.
I'm not sure I would divulge the information about being the "Bad Guys". It just seems uncharacteristic. If you're trying to do some foreshadowing, there are more subtle ways to do this.
Overall: I like it. The plot is good, and I am left wondering what is going to happen next. Characters seem to be well-developed, although I am still wanting more of a personality from Ella. Amy is weird, I'm not really sure what you were going for with her, so maybe spend some time making her a more rounded character. Setting-wise, there isn't too much description of the surroundings. Sure you give us physical descriptions, but that doesn't make this place seem real to me. I want to know what it smells like, sounds like, feels like. What temperature is it? What textures can you feel? Describe the building materials, is the elevator made of steel? Is it paneled with wood or a mirror or is it glass? When they descend into the labs and cubicles what do you smell? Chemical experiments, gun powder, or musty files and warm paper from the copier machine? I think you could really go into more detail in this aspect.
I hope you found this critique of some assistance and if you have any questions feel free to PM me. Keep writing!